DIODE Definitions: The Devil's Word Mashups

• Algole--An ancient king that sought to freeze the world in an ice age and forged the original Soul .44 Calibre. Now rallies against global warming.
  
• Amino acid test--The act of checking whether your baby formula has melamine or not.
• Apple turnover ratio--The ratio of dessert sales to apple assets.
• Asstral plane--The other world where the sun doesn't shine.
  
• Banana Republican party--The party that wants to shrink government enough to sink it in a bathtub for the purposes of large fruit plantations.
• Bipolar bear--A large, ursine creature with equally large mood swings. Known for great works of art and the cutting off of its own ear.
• Blundercats--Clumsy feline heroes.
• Captain Oblivious--A superhero that actually needs the help of Captain Obvious.
• Carbon dioxin--When you burn dioxins, you release the world's worst pollutant. A single molecule kills.
  
• Club sandwich--The act of pulverizing flesh between two sticks.
  
• Daily Gnus--All the gnus that's meant to be heard by wildebeests and eaten by lions.
  
• Elmer Fudd's glue--Be vewy quiet... I'm pastin' wabbits.
• Fascionista--Matching outfits uber alles! The ugly will be sent to the death camps!
• Fidel castration-- Military subterfuge toward Cuba, removing their ability to reproduce.
  
• Gun-damn it!--When mechas ruin your life without provocation.
  
• Hegemon--A game involving collecting politicians. In the American region, there are 546 different type. Gotta vote for 'em all!
  
• Hissy fit--A fit a snake has when it is upset.
• Hoboken--A fireball of pure ki energy, learned by many poor bums in New Jersey. See also: Shinkuu hoboken.
  
• Jenova's Witnesses--144,000 followers of Sephiroth. No more, no less.
  
• LOLth--Totally 1337 evil Drow spider goddess of lies, deceit, and goth fashion. Tends to lie in real life, but tells the truth on the Internet, because people can't believe anything on the Internet!
• Malboro cigarettes--Side effects include lung cancer, emphysema, poison, paralysis, berserk, curse, zombie, and silence. Don't smoke if you don't have a ribbon, have one or more remedies, or have chest pains.
  
• Ma-ri-oh!--A children's card game where Mario gets the Millennium Plunger and duels to the death with the Mushroom Kingdom's denizens.
  
• Papier Mache Mario--An Italian plumber's first failed foray into 3-D.
• Petrobrassiere--Gaudy, transparent woman's underwear made from plastic from Brazil.
• Phisherman--Someone who sets a line for some dumb sucker in the ocean of the Internet. (Or, trolling for trolls.)
  
• Propheteering--Predicting the future for the purposes of making money.
• Saba-tour guide--Someone that displays a complex for the purposes of undermining it.
  
• Sexaxis--Bringing the Kama Sutra to the Playstation 3.
  
• Solitaire--A lonely group of games; using cards to play with oneself.
  
• U.S. Censusship--The act of taking poll of the country every decade only to embellish the fact that the country is in the crapper.
  

Pondering the Dead: A Reflection

The bodies of the fallen lay before me, and sorrow fills my soul. I wonder what they died for; was it love, was it greed, or some simple need? But the sorrow is not alone, for with it comes joy for what they may have lived for: love, happiness or the desire to simple be. With this reflection I leave them be in their contented and eternal slumber, for their reasons to live or die are not mine in which to dwell.

Horrible Product Concepts, Volume 1

Greetings! Var is here to report some of the worst product ideas you can expect not to see on store shelves this holiday season.

For book lovers:
"Kicking Your Self-Help Addiction" - found in the self-help section;
"W. is for Wisdom" by George W. Bush - found in the metaphysics section;
"Religion" by Richard Dawkins - found in the humor section;
"baby talk for babys"- found in the language section.

For the home:
Eau d'Skunk - for him and her!
The Everything's Alright Alarm - for paranoiacs and the hyper-stimulated
Ink-Proof Paper - for all those nasty ink-stains that accumulate on your lined composition paper
Display-less Laptop - might be too advanced for some users
Cordless Extension Cable - might be too advanced for some users
Remote Control Tennis Racket - recreation, without all that tiring recreating
Holographic Servant - for those who want the company of hired help, without any of the help!

For those you wish to be rid of
Cigarettes-the only product that kills the user when use corectly

And finally, for the pugilists on your Christmas list:
Projectile-Free Handgun

Monster Battles: Giant Hamburger vs. DJ Big Mac

In the middle of a New York City rave, DJ Big Mac is spinning another mega mix of tasty jams. Across the crowded dance floor, a distinctive figure enters the party, his double-arched gold chain glistening in the reflection of disco lights. Passers by were alarmed by his pickle-filled mouth, his ketchup beard, and his compound sesame seed eyes. "I represent McDonald's," he said, "and I challenge you to a battle."

Without skipping a beat, DJ Big Mac put on a record that made his intentions clear: "Bring it on!" the music blared. The Giant Hamburger sauntered into the center of the room and, in his own edible DJ booth, began making music with his prized collection of colossal records made of ground beef. The crowd was awed by the surprising skill of the hamburger DJ.

In a state of shock, DJ Big Mac reached into his crate to find a retaliation record. Quite confident in his choice, he placed the vinyl on the turntable and pressed "play" without even looking. He realized moments too late that his prized dance floor slaying smash was in fact a polka record he found in a dollar bin. A cascade of taunts rained down from the audience, whose sentiments had turned definitively in the Giant Hamburger's favor. DJ Big Mac scrambled to find a face-saving record, and hastily threw on the Macarena. The Giant Hamburger responded with another patty platter, and soon techno drums filled the room. Realizing that he was losing the crowd, DJ Big Mac reached into his crate, only to find an extensive self-help collection where his outstanding dance mixes ought to have been "Sabotage!" he cried out as he found a note in the bottom of his crate:

"Hey honey, I found these while cleaning house and I thought you could use them in your show! Love, Mom xoxo."

DJ Big Mac rifled through dozens of spoken-word volumes before finally landing on Toni Basil's "Hey Mickey;" meanwhile the Giant Hamburger was spinning beef so fast that a platter flew off the turntable as a projectile weapon, maiming himself and several audience members in the process. "That's enough greasy beef for one day," DJ Big Mac declared as he spun incredible polka/self-help remixes of 80s classics.

In Other News: A Mockumentary

Welcome to Democracy Meow, your furs and purrs report. I'm Garrett Martinez, here with Brian Richardson and Iron Chef Italian.

In the city of Baghdad, a coalition of over 500,000 felines protested over the lack of safe drinking milk, sweltering heat, and the American occupation of the city's supply of can openers.

In Pasadena, CA, a massive cat-apult causes a terrible catastrophe when it launched cattle at the local animal shelter last Saturday. Four cats were squashed flat, and who cares what happened to the dogs.

Nora Beckley, the local cat lady, has passed away last Sunday. She was 92. The 100-cat senate in the house is voting for their new cat lady. Susan Beckham holds the majority 58-42, but the Cat-servative minority is filibustering to leave for separate houses.

Ol' Fluff 'n Ready, former president Zachary Taylor's pet cat, sought for the repeal of the "don't ask, don't meow" policy, which prevents openly feline members of the military from leaving base late at night for "hunting urges". It's still on the books, along with the policy forbidding marking state and national borders with cat pee to deter illegal immigrants.

News Update: Lord of the Rings Online

This is for those who like Lord of the Rings Online, or who may not have heard of it. There has been a recent update in the L.O.T.R.O (Lord of the Rings Online) M.M.O.R.P.G. sponsored by Turbine. The L.O.T.R.O. used to require that you pay for a subscription; now you can have a free account. You don't have to pay for anything, but you can pay for extra Turbine points if you want. Turbine points can be used at the in-game store to access items and other extras.

Check it out at Lord of the Rings Online!

Not-so Retro Review: La-Mulana

Are you looking for a graphically lush game with a rocking soundtrack? A linear game that explains things as you go? Do you hate reading instruction manuals?

This game is definitely not for you.

La-Mulana is hard and unforgiving. Basically, you play as Indiana Jones-esque explorer Lemeza Kosugi, seeking the treasure of La-Mulana and exploring the ruins, which are full of enemies, traps, and puzzles. You can't travel willy-nilly either. Weigh down the wrong pedestal, drop down the wrong pit, or strike the wrong wall, and you might never come back. Read everything in the ruins, save often, find weapons, and you might get through it all. And I haven't even mentioned the monsters yet. They range from bats (uber-annoying) to massive guardians, all based on ancient mythologies around the world, all that require their own strategies to overcome.

The original PC version is free to download here. If you are stuck, search the internet for DeceasedCrab's YouTube video series "Let's Play La-Mulana". There is an upcoming remake for the Wii, designed as a homage to retro game remakes. Now that is something new. I'll review that when it arrives.

iPhone App Review: Doodle God

The premise is simplicity itself: Combine two elements to create a new element. You start with four, but it gets complicated quickly. Some are predictable (Fire + Earth = Lava), some are unexpected (Car + Air = Airplane), and yet others you wonder what they were thinking (Alcoholic + Ship = Pirate). Thankfully, you can use hints to help you on the way, which recharges every three to four minutes. In addition, every item you create comes with a nice quotation, such as "A rolling stone gathers no moss. -Proverb (Weeds + Swamp = Moss) or "We're bringing oil to America's shores." -bp

The current version has 196 elements in all, in addition to a hidden minigame.

Tips: Some combinations are obtained by using an element with itself (Human + Human = Sex), or by using one of the two elements of itself in a creation i.e. Wood + Water = Boat, then Boat + Wood = Ship.

Superchunk, Live @ Jackpot Records

On Friday, October 15, the DIODE crew took a field trip to Jackpot Records to attend a free concert by the venerable punk/indie institution, Superchunk. Playing an acoustic set in anticipation of Friday night's performance at the Wonder Ballroom, Superchunk played mostly new material and accepted a few requests from the rapt audience. Filling the aisles between records and CDs, concert-goers crowded in the door for what ended up being a very intimate performance. Highlights included "Crossed Wires" and "Art School," at least according to this attendee.

Afterward, we stopped into the adjacent vintage toy store, Billy Galaxy. The DIODE crew nearly went bananas over the wealth of original G.I. Joes, Transformers, Star Wars figures, Pez dispensers, and other 1980s ephemera. We may have just visited for a few minutes, but suffice it to say we never wanted to leave.

Book News: Rising Tides Release Date

For those that like to read science fiction/alternative history books (such as Meeting in Corvallis from the change series by S.M. Sterling), the upcoming release of Rising Tides by Taylor Anderson is likely to generate a "rising" stir. With the fifth installment in Anderson's Destroyermen series, readers can expect the same type of unique dualism that made the first four books so distinguished. With this next installment, will the author explore the tension between Walker and the New Brits? Or perhaps he will devote more attention to the differences of the Tegrinesie and the Grik? What if he will do both, hmmm? Readers will find out in February 2011 with the release of Rising Tides.

ADMIN EDIT: Removed sloppy HTML made by the editor

Monster Battles: Predator vs. Catwoman

There is a new hunting ground for the Predator: Gotham City. There are many to hunt, and the Predator has already successfully battled several villains: Joker, Bane, Mad Hatter, Bob the Magic Muffin, Megatron, and Johnny Quest. Catwoman is the next on our hunter's list, and he has a hunch she can be found on the roof of a Big Cat exhibit coming to the Gotham Museum of Natural Science.

Predator's hunch is correct, and upon encountering Catwoman on the roof, he fires his shoulder canon at her. Catwoman dodges, and trips the Predator with her whip. The predator jumps up and lunges with his staff, striking and wounding her on the shoulder. In retaliation, she attempts to kick him in the crotch, only to connect with metal-plated undergarments. Predator laughs and throws her through the ceiling onto the museum floor. Catwoman rubs her aching back, moans, and says "I'm getting to old for this," before attempting to whip the Predator again. He dodges and fires his net. While she avoids being ensnared, he grabs her and throws her through a wall. Catwoman tries to escape by setting off a smoke bomb, but Predator activates his night vision and delivers a decisive blow from behind.

As is his nature, the Predator moves with businesslike efficiency, decapitating his victim, collecting his trophy, and striking out into the night.

Poem: Dancing Twlight

Light and dark dance in twilight
Shadow and flame twist and turn
Each shone in beautiful contrast
Brighter bright, darker dark
flames in the night glow brighter and warmer
while shadows are darker 'n' cooler while light shines bright

Archival Review: Blast Corps

Archival Review: Blast Corps
Nintendo 64

Some games pretend to be more than they are. This game is not one of them. The story is like that of a B-movie: A nuclear missile carrier, en route to a safe disposal site, begins to leak dangerous radiation and is locked in a straight course. If it hits a building, it would cause a nuclear explosion. The solution? Destroy every building in its path to ground zero!

To accomplish your destructive desires, you get a variety of vehicles to rend the landscapes clean:

• Ramdozer--A bulldozer that destroys what is runs into. Simple at first, but later levels require pushing blocks of TNT to destroy stronger buildings or block to fill holes in the path.
• Backlash--A dump truck that destroys buildings by sliding its rear end at it. Much practice is needed for later levels.
• Ballista--A motorcycle that fires missiles. However, you need to grab black ammo boxes first.
• Sideswipe--A vehicle that launches its side panels that can destroy buildings on both sides. Collect blue ammo boxes to recharge its batteries.
• Skyfall--A dune buggy that uses timed turbo boosts to launch itself off cliffs and up ramps against buildings from above.
• J-Bomb--A large mecha that flies into the air and stomps even large skyscrapers from above.
• Thunderfist/Cyclone--These mechs somersault or roll into buildings to destroy them. Thunderfist can destroy stronger buildings.
• Cars--There are four hidden vehicles for use in racing-type stages. Rather than being used to destroy, they are used to zip quickly across the landscape.

Of course, the story is an excuse to destroy, and the game knows it. This is why there are a bunch of bonus levels where you race against the clock, which run from running laps to levels taking place in Pac-Man style stages, with one taking place on a pool table. And let's not forget some levels that are literally out of this world...

Graphically, Blast Corps shows its age, as expected from earlier N64 games. Soundwise, the music consists of a rockin' techno soundtrack and realistic sounds. Voices, however, are passable. The game was released before the Rumble Pak, so there's no support for it. The biggest downside would be the somewhat bad physics, namely when you land from a jump. It's not always a noticeable flaw, but it's irritating when it rears it's head.

All in all, it's a good game for action fans that don't care if a game has illusions of grandeur, whether it considers itself "epic" or not.

Book Review: "Catalyst" by Anne McCafery and Elizabeth Ann Scarborough

Catalyst is a science fiction/fantasy book written by two authors, both award winners in their own right. The main author many people will probably recognize from her award winning series Dragon Riders of Pern. That is correct, I am talking about Anne McCafrey. The co-author - another award winner though maybe not as famous (yet?) - Elizabeth Ann Scarborough has already won the Hugo award for science fiction.

There are many twist and turns in this book. One aspect I thought was really unique about this book was the third person narration by a highly intelligent, sentient cat. The book's perspective shifts subtly throughout the book, but maintains the same narrator throughout.

Pros: I would say that the first pro of this book was the thorough and detailed universe it takes place in. Second, the realalistic and all-too-true depiction of political networks and their use of influence throughout the universe echoes modern political discourse.

Cons: Though it is partially explained by the universe it takes place in, the first con of Catalyst is narrative implausibility. There are a few contradictory elements, and these inconsistencies threaten verisimilitude. Secondly, I think that though the romance of the book is not very important, they could have included more background details, which would have enhanced the book's story a bit.

DIODE Up And Running; Geeks Everywhere Rejoice

My fair reader, you are in for a treat.

We would like to welcome you to the DIODE blog! We are a group of reviewers, poets, techies, geeks, and nerds from Portland, Oregon who will be using this space to explore and share our interests, produce reams of exclusive content, and build relationships with the world at large. We happen to be adults with developmental disabilities, but you will know us as Distinctive Individuals Overcoming Disabilities through Expertise.

You can look forward to regular features such as:
-Video Game News and Reviews
-Cryptozoology Corner
-Monster Battles
-Rampant Speculation Department
-Fan Fiction
-Comics and Manga Reviews
-YouTube Video of the Week
-Popular Science Corner
-RPG Spotlight
-Superpowers and You (alternative titles: You And Your Superpowers; I Enjoy Having Super Strength)
-Projects In Progress
-Geocaching Adventures
-Ask A Geek

Coming tomorrow: author profiles AND MORE......