Monster Battles: Giant Hamburger vs. DJ Big Mac

In the middle of a New York City rave, DJ Big Mac is spinning another mega mix of tasty jams. Across the crowded dance floor, a distinctive figure enters the party, his double-arched gold chain glistening in the reflection of disco lights. Passers by were alarmed by his pickle-filled mouth, his ketchup beard, and his compound sesame seed eyes. "I represent McDonald's," he said, "and I challenge you to a battle."

Without skipping a beat, DJ Big Mac put on a record that made his intentions clear: "Bring it on!" the music blared. The Giant Hamburger sauntered into the center of the room and, in his own edible DJ booth, began making music with his prized collection of colossal records made of ground beef. The crowd was awed by the surprising skill of the hamburger DJ.

In a state of shock, DJ Big Mac reached into his crate to find a retaliation record. Quite confident in his choice, he placed the vinyl on the turntable and pressed "play" without even looking. He realized moments too late that his prized dance floor slaying smash was in fact a polka record he found in a dollar bin. A cascade of taunts rained down from the audience, whose sentiments had turned definitively in the Giant Hamburger's favor. DJ Big Mac scrambled to find a face-saving record, and hastily threw on the Macarena. The Giant Hamburger responded with another patty platter, and soon techno drums filled the room. Realizing that he was losing the crowd, DJ Big Mac reached into his crate, only to find an extensive self-help collection where his outstanding dance mixes ought to have been "Sabotage!" he cried out as he found a note in the bottom of his crate:

"Hey honey, I found these while cleaning house and I thought you could use them in your show! Love, Mom xoxo."

DJ Big Mac rifled through dozens of spoken-word volumes before finally landing on Toni Basil's "Hey Mickey;" meanwhile the Giant Hamburger was spinning beef so fast that a platter flew off the turntable as a projectile weapon, maiming himself and several audience members in the process. "That's enough greasy beef for one day," DJ Big Mac declared as he spun incredible polka/self-help remixes of 80s classics.